my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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