On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
