Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
smell my finger.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
