dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
