It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
