Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
it was like eating out sand paper
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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