did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
