This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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