I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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