So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
