You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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