eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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