I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
