I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
