i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
