I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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