Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
