i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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