You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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