Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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