Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
