Don't make out with my wife yet
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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