I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
