I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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