Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bet he comes in French.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Boobs speak an international language.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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