If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.