the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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