Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
