I just cut my nipple shaving
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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