Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
