fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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