oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
