I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
