i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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