We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
