Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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