My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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