if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
