Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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