Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
