Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
