We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
