My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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