if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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