Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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