well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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