my phone needs a breathalizer
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
