I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
