i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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