Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
