if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
