saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm too high and old for this...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
