DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
