So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
