i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
