Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
