I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You pole danced in your parka.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Randomize
