You can't special order awesome
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
